


a flower of always

by jillyfae



Series: live by love: codas & interludes [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e04 Thy Soul Instructed, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 17:34:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14337567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jillyfae/pseuds/jillyfae
Summary: Because Alec and balconies will probably always be a little terrifying, and talking about it helps.





	a flower of always

"What's wrong?" Magnus keeps his voice soft as he approaches. Alec's staring out the balcony doors again, and he doesn't want to startle him.

"Do you want a list?" Alec huffs out a breath, but it's much too hopeless to be a laugh. "Alphabetical? Chronological? Theoretical severity?"

Magnus puts his hand on Alec's shoulder, tries not to wince at how tight it feels beneath his palm. "Specifically right now?"

Alec turns, his eyes closed and his jaw too tight. Magnus lets his fingers trail against Alec's shirt until he stops moving, gripping the top of his arm once he's still. Alec tilts his head, and he opens his mouth, and then he closes it again, and straightens up, and opens his eyes, a frown on his face as he looks at Magnus.

"It's not, I don't. I don't know how, I don't have the right words." By the time he reaches the end his hands are clenched.

"Shh." Magnus rubs up and down Alec's arm. "Take your time, there's no hurry."

Alec swallows, hard enough it looks like it hurts, and nods. "Maybe." He takes a breath. "Maybe not next to the balcony."

Magnus inhales too sharply, it feels cold, ice stabbing in his lungs, and his grip tightens.

"No, not like, I mean, it's not." Alec stutters to a stop with a grunt of annoyance, then leans forward to kiss Magnus, a small gentle touch of his lips. "I'll be fine."

"But you're not right now?"

Alec's hand shifts to his side, palm pressed flat against his shirt. Above his parabatai rune. "We're not fine right now."

 _I know that,_ Magnus is tempted to answer, but no. No, he doesn't. Not really. He swallows about three and a half pointed comments on Jace's recent behavior, and nods instead. "Tea?"

"Maybe with a shot of whisky in it," Alec mutters as they head towards the kitchen.

Magnus _hmms,_ ignoring the ache in his chest in order to keep his voice steady. "You don't like whisky."

"No, but." There's that frown again, and his hands lift, trying to point at his throat, almost pressing against his chest. "But I can't, it won't. There's everything in the _way._ "

"That is a terrible reason to waste excellent whisky on someone who won't appreciate it." Alec's face does a remarkable twist, as if he can't manage to be affronted and amused by Magnus' words at the same time. "Let's try the tea first, shall we?"

Amusement wins, to Magnus' great relief, and Alec almost smiles. " _We_ will be delighted."

"Excellent!" Magnus grins, though they're both perfectly aware it's a bright and shallow expression, and guides Alec over to sit on a stool before finding the kettle.

"You're _making_ tea?" Alec seems calmer, his elbow propped on the table, his head resting on his hand, the almost smile just a little closer to being real.

"Do you doubt my ability to boil water the mundane way?"

Alec's smile finally catches in his eyes. "Of course not, but it takes longer."

Magnus shrugs, stands still as he looks over his shoulder at Alec. "Isn't that the point?"

There's that swallow again, a little too deep, and Alec nods.

Magnus turns back around, humming softly as he sorts through his boxes of loose leaf teas and flowers, trying to decide between fortifying or calming. "Any requests?"

"Surprise me." There's an undercurrent there, warm and steady, _I trust you,_ and Magnus smiles.

Despite Alec's original request, he think something light might do them both more good. Hibiscus is probably too strong, even if it is a wonderful color. Chamomile or lemongrass, mint or vanilla, jasmine, lavender... there's an idea there he can't quite capture. White tea? "Rosebud!"

"I think that's a joke Simon told." Alec's eyeroll is audible. "I didn't get it then, either."

"Philistines, the lot of you." Magnus clicks his tongue, even as he decides on his mix and starts scooping it into his infuser. "Do Shadowhunters never go to the movies?"

"Some do." Alec's voice drops more than would seem reasonable for such an off-handed question.

Magnus turns around. "But you?"

Alec doesn't manage a proper shrug; only one shoulder lifts so it's more of a lean. "I had responsibilities."

"Everyone needs a break sometimes."

Alec smiles, bright and easy, and Magnus hurts a little at how beautiful it is, how sudden and carefree. "I was also, according to Izzy, a little too repressed to enjoy myself."

"Was?" Magnus smiles back.

Alec's face softens, and that hurts more, to have such tenderness so easily displayed. "You've been good for me."

"And you for me."

Alec shakes his head a little, as if to dispute it, but he's smiling still, which is as close to a victory as either of them ever manage on this particular subject, equally and intractably convinced the other is much too good to be true. They've agreed to disagree. Sort of. They've agreed to both pretend they're better at taking compliments than they are.

It's a work in progress.

As the tea will be forever, if Magnus doesn't actually pour the water.

He uses his glass tea set, because there's no reason not to enjoy the sight as well as the scent and the taste, and balances it all carefully on a tray to walk it over to the table.

Alec leans back to give him space, and Magnus sits on the next stool, close enough their knees _could_ touch, close enough to reach, far enough away not to if Alec prefers his space. Alec makes an odd disapproving noise in the back of his throat, hooks his foot around one of the stool's legs and drags it with a scrape along the floor until the side of Magnus' stool bumps against his own.

"Well, then." Magnus smiles, and leans through the small space between them to rest his shoulder against Alec's.

"Well then." Alec sighs, his body warm along Magnus' side. He doesn't say anything else, and they just sit, watching the water slowly blush with color. Alec reaches out after a few moments, letting just his fingertip brush against the glass. "I've never seen pink tea before. It's lovely."

"It is, isn't it." Magnus feels inordinately proud of that, more than is remotely warranted for _making tea_ , but there's something about Alec's voice, fond and admiring, and he will never ever get tired of hearing it. "Hopefully it tastes as lovely."

"I'm sure it does."

Magnus' heart stutters again, entirely out of proportion to the compliment, but still, and always, no matter what Alec says, his voice is always so steady, so sure, _I have complete faith in you._

Magnus is being ridiculous, it's just _tea._

Nothing with Alec is ever just any one thing.

Including staring out the balcony doors.

Magnus pours, and passes Alec his mug before picking up his own.

They're angled just a little now, legs bumping but shoulders further apart, which makes it easier to watch Alec rather than the pot as he waits.

Alec holds his mug in his hands and closes his eyes and _breathes._ Something in his shoulders eases, just a little, just enough, and Magnus takes a careful sip from his own mug. It is _quite_ good. Light and sweet and warm, just as he'd wanted.

"The secret's the hibiscus." Alec hadn't asked. But Alec always wants to know everything, never thinks any of Magnus' stories are too long, that any detail is too small. His eyes are closed as he sips, and Magnus doesn't think he's ready to talk yet. "Just a tiny bit gives it that tart edge, that beautiful color. Too much and you can't taste the tea or the rose, and it turns too dark."

"That's appropriate." Alec smiles, and it's almost delighted and almost embarrassed and Magnus isn't sure he's ever seen this particular smile before. He hopes he gets to see it again.

"How so?"

Alec opens his eyes, and the look in them is brighter than Magnus had expected; it is impossible not to smile back. "Hibiscus means _delicate beauty._ "

"Why, Alexander, you've been holding out on me." Magnus has never thought of Alec and _flowers_ before, he's not sure why _,_ and now he can't get the image out of his head, Alec's fingers trailing gently against soft velvety petals. "Known languages includes flowers?"

Alec shakes his head, but not in disagreement. "There weren't a lot of other kids in the Institute when we were little, so we didn't have a lot of proper classes, more like lots of different tutors on lots of different subjects."

"Including bouquet making?"

"No." Alec pretends to glare at him, and it is the least intimidating expression Magnus has ever seen. "So Izzy and I wanted a way to leave each other messages even when we couldn't spend much time together, and it had to be something no one would associate with either of us."

"So no runes or written codes or conveniently fletched feathers."

"No feathers." Alec grins, sharp and sweet, and takes another sip of his tea.

"Young Isabelle was not a flowery little girl?"

"Young Izzy tended to try and smuggle frogs and snakes into her room for pets." Alec snorts. "There was also a lot of broken flatware she 'fixed' so our toys would have better weapons."

Magnus almost chokes on his tea as he laughs. "So Isabelle was never the _delicate beauty_ who got hibiscus?"

"It can also mean sweet disposition." Alec is looking right at Magnus as he speaks, and it's clear, no matter how appropriate, that he isn't talking about Isabelle.

"So was there something that did inspire the hibiscus?"

"Shadowhunters tend not to appreciate _delicate._ " There's the edge of tension back in his jaw, and Magnus thinks they may be getting closer to whatever it is he doesn't know how to say.

Magnus puts his mug down, presses his knee against Alec's thigh. "But you remembered it."

Alec's gaze drops, not so much looking at his mug as _not_ looking at Magnus. "The only way to find the flower you did want to use was to study them all."

"What flower would you use now?"

Alec's breath hitches, as if he hadn't expected that, but he answers immediately. "Marigold."

"Oh." It's more a sharp sigh than a word, but it hurts, that choice, somewhere deep in Magnus' heart. He's not sure of the precise meaning, but he's seen it before, in Shakespeare or Tennyson or mourning bouquets at fashionable funerals a hundred years ago. It isn't _happy._ Not that he expected happy.

He hadn't wanted to confirm _despair._

He wants to touch, to comfort, but they're still angled wrong and Alec's gripping his mug and maybe he doesn't want more than this? But there was that noise he'd made, and the scrape of the stool, and Magnus reaches out and tugs the mug from Alec's hand, places it on the table. "Come here."

It has to be a terrible position for his back, leaning sideways on a stool with his head tucked into Magnus' shoulder, but Alec lets out a shuddering sigh, and his hands relax in Magnus' lap.

"Tell me about marigold," Magnus whispers into Alec's hair.

But he doesn't.

"I told you I could feel you, when I got lost trying to track Jace."

Magnus' fingers had been stroking back and forth on Alec's spine, but they go still, he goes still, he's not sure he can breathe. They hadn't even been _them_ yet, not really, but he'd already felt like they could be, and he'd already felt like his heart was breaking every second Alec's eyes hadn't opened, every second he hadn't been able to think of some other way to help.

"I told you he pulled me out." Alec's words slow down, his sentence lifting a little at the end, like it's almost a question.

 _Yes._ Magnus moves his mouth, but he can't make the word happen out loud, can't escape some awful tension building beneath his lungs.

"That's not." He stops, and Magnus swallows, and starts moving his thumb back and forth across a fold in Alec's shirt.

"Not what?" Magnus' voice isn't steady, but it works this time.

"I wasn't anywhere, or anything, and then I was. I could feel Jace and the stone and the bond. The stone gave me something back, but it wasn't a pull, it was a choice."

_You chose Jace._

Magnus isn't sure why that hurts, beyond the fact that he's frustrated with Jace right now, and hates how much pain Alec is in. They're parabatai, it was a parabatai spell that had gone awry, the whole point is that Alec chose Jace and Jace chose him.

"No." Alec sits up, and it's only as Alec stares at him that Magnus realizes he spoke out loud. "I chose _me._ "

Magnus blinks, and his eyes burn, and he doesn't know what to say.

"On one side was my life, tangled and confusing, with my parents and Max and the Institute and the Circle and Valentine. Izzy and Jace and Fray, who probably wasn't at fault for everything being a mess. And you." Alec lifts a hand, and his palm rests against Magnus' cheek. "And on the other was a mystery, but I could feel it was _clear,_ if I went that way it was a straight line."

"That must have been tempting."

Alec nods, and Magnus can hear the _sometimes it still is._

Magnus can understand that, even as it makes him want to grab tight to Alec's shoulders and never let him go, never risk him away from his side. He apparently can't keep that thought off his face, because Alec kisses him, a soft press of his lips as his thumbs rub against Magnus' cheeks, and he's smiling as he pulls away.

It's not the happiest smile Magnus has ever seen, but it's there, and it's honest, and it's enough.

"It wasn't enough to not want to hurt you or Jace or Izzy. I had to be willing to get tangled back up in all of it again. I had to want all of it, even the messy parts."

"Even Clary and Simon."

Alec's smile twists up. "Even Clary and Simon."

"And marigolds."

Alec's smile is gone, and his eyes look like they did after the demon used him to kill Jocelyn, and Magnus wishes he could rip his own heart out with his bare hands because it would hurt less.

"I don't think." Alec pauses, and his eyes are unfocused, looking inward. "I don't think Jace could choose himself right now, if he had to."

 _Oh._ That makes a whole lot of things line up differently in Magnus' thoughts, and he feels a little badly that he still wants to smack Jace upside the head to try and knock some sense in there. He shifts a little on his stool, reaches out a hand to let his fingers rest on Alec's shirt, right above the rune. "That sounds terrible."

"I can feel him standing there, on the edge of a roof, and I don't know what might convince him not to jump."

Magnus doesn't know what to say to that, doesn't know if there's anything to say, so he wraps his hands around Alec's instead, and pulls them up to his mouth to brush a kiss across Alec's knuckles.

"I'm afraid," Alec's grip tightens, almost a spasm, so hard Magnus can feel each bone in his hands shift with the pressure. "I'm afraid that if he does, no matter how much I don't want to, no matter how hard I try to pull him back up instead, I won't be able to stop myself from falling after him."

That's more than Magnus can stand, burning agony caught in his throat. The stool falls and clatters on the floor as he stands and pulls Alec into his arms. He hugs him as hard as he can, 'til he's surprised their ribs don't creak.

"Of course you can." _I trust you, I have complete faith in you._ He hopes it's as clear to Alec as it is to him. _You're the strongest man I've ever known._

Alec's breathing is too deep, heavy and uneven, and he hugs back just as tightly. "But what if--"

"Then I'll catch you, or Isabelle will, or even your mother." Which is not a sentence Magnus ever thought he'd say, but this is apparently where his life is now. He leans back just enough to look at Alec's face. "You're not alone, Alexander, and neither is Jace."

Alec's mouth twitches, like he wants to smile but can't get it out past the tears in his eyes. "Even though you want to smack him?"

It's tempting to try and insist he doesn't, but no. Honesty is more important, even about this, even now. Magnus allows himself a half a shrug. "Even though. I certainly wouldn't let him fall, even if I didn't know what he meant to you."

"You wouldn't let anyone fall." Alec's eyes are shimmering and heart-stoppingly beautiful and Magnus can't lie to them, can't lie to him.

Even about this. Even now.

"I would if I thought it was the only way to save you." Alec's eyes close, and Magnus' chest is hollow, his fingers cold. "Even if you never forgave me for it afterwards."

Alec inhales, too sharp, too quick, and Magnus barely sees his eyes open wide before he's being kissed, hard. Alec's tongue is in his mouth and his hands are pressed tight along Magnus' spine and Magnus' knees go wobbly and his skin is hot and his body leans into Alec's until he's not sure which of them is holding them both up.

"There'd be nothing to forgive, Magnus." Alec's voice is rough, his breath hot against Magnus' neck. Magnus is holding on to him so hard his hands are going numb. "You've saved me so many times, how could I not--"

Magnus turns his head to stop him, to swallow those words and replace them with his own because no, Alec has saved him, over and over. He can taste salt on their lips and he's not sure if it's from him or Alec or both but he can't stop, can't breathe, can't not kiss him more.

Until he does have to breathe, and Alec gasps as their lips part. Magnus smooths his fingers across Alec's cheeks, wiping away the damp tracks of his tears, and ignores the fact that they've neither of them completely stopped crying. "I love you."

Alec chuckles, though it's a faint, damp sound. "I love you, too."

"You know," Magnus rubs his fingertips together until he can no longer feel Alec's tears. "There's something I never told you about when you were lost, too."

"Really?" Alec's eyebrows lift, as if he can't decide if he should be worried or not.

Magnus almost stops right there, because honestly, he still can't believe he'd tried it. "Well." His fingers spread wide and then curl back together. "You were sleeping beauty."

Alec's face gives Magnus great joy; his eyes widen and his brows lower and his whole head goes back with a silent but eloquent _what?_

And then he blinks.

And then he smiles, and it's one of Magnus' favorite smiles, the one that's one part love to two parts laughter. "Did you try to wake me up with a kiss?"

Magnus lifts one finger to his mouth with a _shhh._ "Don't tell anyone."

Alec's smile widens, and he speaks very clearly and very slowly. "I will never."

His smile is, perhaps, a little _too_ wide to be trusted. "You're never going to let me hear the end of it."

"You are so smart." Alec's hands settle on Magnus' hips, and he leans in closer. "I love that about you."

"Do you now?" Magnus smiles back, his hands resting on Alec's chest. "What else do you love about me?"

"That you're so well versed in fairy tales."

Magnus rolls his eyes.

"The way your eyes catch the light when you do that, shining gold." Alec's voice is softer now, gentler. Magnus realizes he has no idea when he dropped his glamour, and he doesn't particularly care. "The way your lips part just a little when I surprise you, because then I have to kiss you again."

He does, softly this time, and they linger, mouths a breath apart for as long as they can stand.

"Take me to bed, Alexander."

"Whatever prince charming desires."

**Author's Note:**

> Title from e. e. cummings' [these children singing in stone](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/browse?volume=53&issue=4&page=2).
> 
> also on [tumblr](http://faejilly.tumblr.com/post/172994690718)


End file.
